There are some nights..
where I just can’t seem to get anything right. Ultimately that’s fine. It’s good. It’s how you grow, learn, and become the woman I want to be. But that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t sting when you know you’re wrong, or you get smacked back into your place. It’s good to be wrong, and it’s good to be told that you aren’t as smart as you think you are. It’s the universes way of saying “educate yourself” and to remind me that even when you have the best of intentions other people can’t be inside your head to figure those out for you. But it still stings to be wrong, and to feel a little less smart than when you started the day. So for now I’m going to be a big baby (or possibly just really pms-y) and curl up with my hurt feelings, and then tomorrow I will be a big girl and get my ass to the library.
I just feel incredibly alone tonight. I know it’s my own fault, and it was the sacrifice I was willing to make when I started having a whole other fucking secret life, but it’s so isolating. These nights, like tonight, are the worst. It’s when I’m left alone with self doubt and start questioning myself. Are the choices I’m making now going to fuck up my life in some profound, uncalculable way? Is my life going to spiral out of control and I’ll end up hurting everyone I’ve ever loved? I’m being grandoise. I think.
I know this is the depression talking, and I know that all I need is some sleep and a chance to start a whole new day with a new outlook. I’m just doing what we are all doing, looking for acceptance and love. I just adore making it harder and harder to attain those things for myself. Enough. I’m being stupid now.
What I will do is drink some tea, read a book, and then go to bed. Tomorrow I will wake up, and being humbled won’t hurt my feelings but inspire me to learn new things and examine myself more thoroughly. I will also go to the grocery store, and I will cook myself a real meal tomorrow because the Chinese food delivery man will propose to me if I see him one more time this week. I will clean my apartment and vacuum my room, and maybe even dust. I will keep busy because being busy is the best way to fight falling into a depression which is so incredibly inconvenient and disruptive.
